Breast Implants and High Rates of Suicide: Body Language of “Self”

Today, any woman with a credit card can have breasts of about any size she would like.  I don’t know too many men-myself included- that don’t appreciate the work of a skilled cosmetic surgeon. And, while many, it seems, view a pair of “knock-off” Nike shoes as nothing they would want in their closet, with only an authentic pair of Nike’s being worthy of wearing, a quick stroll down the beach will confirm that most men don’t feel the same about breasts. Real, or not, who cares; a busty young lady strolling by in a bikini with her top spilling over with silicone will turn just as many heads and ignite just as many “fire’s” as the real thing.

However, when we look at those who get breast implants (as it relates to non-verbal communication) the landscape changes radically. Apart from the fact, that as a male, my eyes are biologically drawn to certain areas of a woman’s body(before I can even be aware of it consciously), there are things I am using as part of my assessment when doing a body language analysis; things that for others, only serve as a distraction. While many women-especially those with implants-would like to think otherwise, most men can quickly tell you who has implants, and who doesn’t. Gravity is not selective; when you see 45 year old women with breasts that don’t move when she walks, you’re not looking at a genetic anomaly, in most cases.

With all other things being equal, and without access to other information,  I can draw some pretty accurate generalizations about a woman, just by knowing that she has implants, and yes, this is body language. Will I be right all of the time? No. Will I be right far more than I am wrong? Absolutely!

Six well designed and high quality studies have been conducted, looking at the psychological profile of women who get breast implants. (Again, let me stress, these are generalizations, meaning, they won’t be true of every single woman with breast implants. It will be true, though, when looking at this group as a whole, and will apply to a great many of the women within this group)

In an article published in The American Journal of Psychiatry in 2007, it was revealed that the suicide rate of women who have had breast augmentation as being double that of the general population. Another study in the Netherlands showed the suicide rate was triple in women with breast implants. Furthermore, they found these women were more likely to:

• more frequently use alcohol and tobacco
• have a higher divorce rate
• have had more sexual partners
• report higher use of oral contraceptives
• be younger at first pregnancy
• have had an abortion
• have a below average body weight, leading to concern that some may be experiencing eating disorders
• have a history of psychiatric problems

Realize that these studies do not infer that getting breast implants causes these things. Conversely, it hints at the idea of the psychological makeup of women who get breast implants, also lines up with the type of person who is at a higher risk for suicide etc.

This is one series of studies that, upon first seeing them, made perfect sense to me. After all, a safe bet is that most women getting implants didn’t like their body (and thus themselves) when they had smaller breasts, and felt like they would feel “normal” after they got bigger “boobs”. And, for some, that seems to be the case.

For far more, though, we are finding that the implants make no difference, and they still feel as “flawed” as they did beforehand. Dr. Maxwell Maltz wrote about these concepts years ago in his landmark book, Psycho-Cybernetics published in 1960.

Maltz was a plastic surgeon who often saw patients who were still dissatisfied with how they looked, even after plastic surgery. Maltz found that the real problem was at the level of self-concept, self-esteem, or body image, and, that until corrected in their mind, no amount of cosmetic work would help.

So it is years later; studies show that women seeking breast augmentation have often been teased about their breast size, have low self-esteem, and have suffered and/or been treated for some type of psychological disorder. Every single woman? Of course not, but a rather significant portion of them.
Over the years, I have had, as clients, several women with breast augmentation, a couple of them working as strippers. If you were to meet them on the street, they projected an outward image of utter confidence, poise and really looked like they had it together. In fact, there were a couple who looked like they stepped right out of the pages of Playboy magazine; they were stunningly beautiful.

However, on the inside, they were as insecure as they come, full of self-doubt, and had been depressed throughout much of their adult lives. It was a case of “what you see is NOT what you get”.

Therefore, one useful generalization you can make, when reading people with a limited amount of exposure and information, is that women with breast implants are likely dealing with some less than useful self-esteem/self-concept challenges. Based on current studies, you’ll be right more often than you’ll be wrong.

Body language and non-verbal communication is a fascinating and never-ending journey, one that offers the ability to make more accurate decisions, communicate more effectively and learn more about yourself than you ever thought possible. If you are a man, I probably won’t have to twist your arm to get you to start paying more attention to a woman’s breasts.

 If you are a woman, there is nothing that you or anyone else can do to get men to stop looking at breasts. It is what it is. It was going on 500 years ago, and, if this ball in the sky is still here, it will be going on 500 years from now. I have a feeling that most women know this anyway.

 In fact, a recent study showed that 47% of men looked at a woman’s breasts first, around 1/3 looked at their hips and waist first, with only 20% of the men looking at a woman’s face, first. No matter what men looked at, first, though, when they did look at the breasts, they looked longer there, than anywhere else.

Remember, even body language clues that don’t apply to every single person, in every single situation, can be useful as a part of the overall information you use in your assessment. Of course, something as reliable as an asymmetrical facial expression (signaling contempt) is best, when available, but that won’t always be the case. Use what you have, and continually refine your skills, and before too long, you’ll find it’s become second nature.

© Copyright 2011-Vincent Harris-All Rights Reserved.

Why “Hot” Women are on the Cover of Women’s AND Men’s Magazines

Every time I stop at a magazine rack, my brain is blasted with images of very sexy women in bikinis. Interestingly, it’s not just men’s magazines; both men’s and women’s magazines have sexy women on the cover. Now, please understand, this is okay with me; I like looking at attractive, well tanned women in bikinis-turns out that  while most women don’t feel good about seeing these women on the cover, these are the best images to have on the cover of women’s magazines from a marketing and revenue perspective.

First, let’s cover something that Dr. Kevin Hogan so often points out, and that so many people seem to forget; the primary purpose of ANY business is to make a profit…period. Unless that is happening, it matters very little how altruistic the “mission” of a business may be, or in how many ways they want to change the world. Truth is, whatever the mission or goal, it will be accomplished more quickly and on a much grander scale, when the business is making a profit.

With that being said, magazine editors are doing exactly what they should be doing, regarding the gender of their models on the glossy cover page. In my Ph.D. program, I’m always excited when new research based on brain imaging comes out. Much of the subjectivity is stripped away, and we get close-very close-to the truth when we use this kind of technology.

A neuroscientist at Brigham Young University, Mark Allen, used fMRI brain scans to prove that there was no difference in how the brain of a healthy woman and the brain of bulemic women reacted when it was suggested that they were overweight. The articles that are written in these magazines are designed, primarily, to infer that a woman is overweight. Why? To SELL things, of course. We now know that the brains of women are literally “hardwired” to have body image concerns and worries, and savvy marketers are utilizing this fact, not only on the cover of the magazine, but throughout the pages inside as well.

So, what did Dr. Allen find? While using the fMRI machines to conduct the scans, thin women were asked to view images of other women-some overweight, and others very lean and fit. As they looked at the images, they were told to think about someone else telling them that the model they were viewing looked like they did.

When, the images of the “heftier” or overweight women were shown, the pre-frontal cortex of these thin women, lit up like a Christmas tree. The simple act of thinking about the fact that they might be overweight-even in a pretend situation-caused women to question their identity and sense of who they were, even though they claimed that this was not the case. The fMRI tells the story much more accurately than the women did with their  conscious and verbal explanations.

Not too surprisingly (to me), men could care less whether the image of men they were asked to look at was fat or thin; the fMRI showed no difference in brain activity.

In short, magazine publishers make the millions and millions of dollars they generate, by using a hard wired fear that most women have about body image, and exploiting it with pictures and articles that suggest they are too heavy.

Why do they put women on the front of men’s magazines? Do you really have to ask?

It’s funny, growing up, anytime I heard someone talk about “Playgirl” magazine, images danced through my mind of gorgeous women secretly harboring this magazine so they could feast their eyes on the latest naked male celebrity. How wrong I was; little did I know (and most still don’t) that “Playgirl” magazine was designed for gay men…NOT women.

Nothing is an accident in marketing, these days.

Men and women: equal rights? Yes. Equal brain structure and function? Afraid not.

Women will continue to look at the fitness model and feel some level of inferiority…thus buying some product or service, and men will continue to look at the fitness model and ….slobber…and buy some product or service. It’s really as simple as that.

© Copyright 2010-Vincent Harris-All Rights Reserved.

Be Watching…

Just a short note to let you know of a possible (likely-but the ink is not dry) upcoming celebrity event I will be co-hosting in early 2011.

Also, lots of new products, coaching programs and a new certification program for executive coaches coming soon….stay tuned!

Quote of the Week

Great gossip is just what’s going on. Evil gossip is stuff that is wicked, mean, and nasty; the kind most folks truly enjoy.

-Chuck Peavey

Overcoming “Tough Times”: A Different Kind of Cinderella Story

 I love stories of individuals who overcome the odds, who fight through tragedy-and prevail, and, most of all destroy the myths that certain events in life must “scar” or otherwise “traumatize” us.

If you’ve been following me for long, you know I am crazy about classic rock and 80′s music, and the band Cinderella is one band that I have been grooving to for a quarter of a century, now. Tom Keifer, lead singer for the band, offers another little bit of inspiration for us, when we slip into thinking times are “hard”.

Think about this for a moment; you are the lead singer of one of the hottest bands of the 80′s, and after completing a wildly successful tour, you discover that your voice is gone. Of course, you likely panic, and seek medical attention, having several surgeries to correct your vocal cords…and the surgeries fail. Shortly thereafter, your mother dies of cancer, your band breaks up, and you and your wife of several years divorce.

 Sounds like a load, right? I would agree that it IS a load; I would also agree that it’s no surprise, to me, that Tom Keifer of Cinderella ( who this all happened to) and the rest of the band got back together, and in 2006, were one of the most successful acts on the road averaging 20,000 fans per night! Events are events, and what happens after ANY event is the result of how we PROCESS that event. Some lie down and die, crying the “poor me” song. Others, shed a few tears, come up swinging, and get their a%^ back in the saddle. Guess what Tom chose?!

In 2008, Tom’s left vocal cord “blew out” during a performance, once again grinding his career to a halt. Guess what, they are touring now, in 2010, and pulling folks in left and right once again.

Tom did experience a bout of “depression”…or a period where he was having lots of depressing thoughts and feelings, but the events of his life did not determine his future, or cause him to throw in the towel.

The next time you tell someone about something that happened to you, and they say “Oh my, I’ve heard that kind of thing will ‘scar’ you forever!” Look at them with a gentle smile and say “No, but that THOUGHT is going to SCAR you forever!”

Now, I’ve got to go, because I have a pair of faded jeans –ripped and with holes- that I need to find to wear to the Cinderella Concert!

© Copyright-2010-Vincent Harris-All Rights Reserved.

http://www.VinceHarris.com/

Stroke Victims and Kids: There’s No Such Thing as “First Grade” Word

I brag on my daughter a lot; I can’t help it, or at least, choose not to. I waited until I was 37 to have a child (actually it was my wife who did the “having” part) and I find that my buttons are popping almost daily as I watch her grow…and damn it, I’m gonna brag.

When she started in pre-school, I often heard teachers talking about words as though they were in age related categories. Like there were “kindergarten” words, “First grade” words etc. I knew better. While my graduate degree and doctoral work is in the area of psychology, my bachelors degree is in elementary education. I love teachers, I respect teachers; the patience required is unthinkable, and I have been nothing but happy with the teachers my daughter has had. They are a rare breed.

What I was not impressed with, while getting my education degree, and remain less than happy with, today, is the unimaginable “cookie cutter” teaching structure that the powers that be demand these teachers to use. One such concept that I see used, is this idea that once a child has learned a “simple” “kindergarten” word; they can progress to a “first grade” word. Garbage!

My daughter was using the word “mellifluous” (which means “smooth”) when she was 4 years old. She used it, largely because of the fact that I used it, when talking to her, and she attached the meaning of “smooth” to it, just as easily as she would have an “easier” word.

New research with those who have had a stroke gives us further insight in this area. When the brain has been damaged due to a stroke-and the person experiences aphasia, or difficulty speaking and understanding language-they progress much faster when they are required to start with hard words, instead of “simple” words.

The reason for this is simple, really. Your brain stores information in a way that makes the stuff we need access to most often, very easy to get to. Material that we don’t need or use as much, is far less easy to reach and access. Think of it like this; when you have socks you have not worn for a long time, but need today, in the bottom of the sock drawer, you will have to go through all of those on top, to get to that one pair on the bottom. If all you do is grab a pair on top, each day, though, you only notice or touch THAT pair.

The brain, then, when given a harder word to learn; one that won’t be used that often, will be stored at the “bottom” of the “sock drawer”. Then, each time that word is practiced, you’ll have to sort through all of the more frequently used words in the top of the drawer, making your recovery with those words more effective, indirectly.

So, does your kindergarten child know “Dog”, “Cat”, and “Barn” etc. already? Good…now start with “sophisticated” “rudimentary” and other “non-kindergarten” words like that.  I can tell you this much, you will be surprised to discover how easily they assimilate words like these, and the connections they will make to the more basic words in their vocabulary is nothing short of amazing.

Yes, it may sound weird to others, when they hear me talk to my daughter about the “delicate intricacies of a sophisticated pocket watch”, and I have no desire that she use words of this nature when talking to me (although she sometimes does), but I know that doing so, causes her to sort through, many more times each day, the more basic words for children her age, and will help her build a rich and colorful vocabulary.

 After all, the words we have to describe the world are what place the limits on our experience of the world. Want a richer experience of a vacation in the mountains? Develop a more diverse vocabulary for that region. Because snow is such an important part of the life of an Inuit in the Northern regions, they have as many as several dozen words for snow. Because they have more words for snow, they notice more things about snow than people who simply have “snow” as the sole word to describe the white stuff falling from the sky. In short, the richer the vocabulary, the richer the experience and the more nuances noticed. It’s really as simple as that.

So, coming full circle, back to “levels” or words, take this out into the world and find out for yourself. American adults often say “Chinese would be hard to learn”, and yet, millions and millions of Chinese babies, learn it with ease. They are simply sounds…sounds that translate into labels for experiences, and with words, then, we name and recognize certain experiences.

Your child is capable of so much more; let them show you how easy it really is.

© Copyright 2010-Vincent Harris-All Rights Reserved.

Teenage Drug Use and Children of Divorced Parents: Why it Pays to Question Everything

All across the nation, parents, teachers, and yes…even kids, believe that taking and passing a driver’s education class, will lead to a safer teenage driver, and ultimately, save lives. It sounds logical, does it not? One little problem with this belief; when data is examined closely, there is no reduction in crashes in those taking these driving classes. It does not, because it cannot. It cannot, because, developmentally, the brain of 16 year old drivers-more specifically, the frontal lobe-is simply not “mature” enough to make the kind of decisions that lead to safer driving, no matter how much training they get.

To date, there is one-and ONLY one- thing that has decreased crashes among teen drivers; a graduated licensing program. These programs delay the age these drivers are eligible to drive at night, or when they can have others in the car. How much of a decrease? 20-30%

Here’s another one; you’ve likely heard of the D.A.R.E. program, or the Drug, Abuse Resistance Education program. It’s a 17 week school program, with speakers, films, lectures, role playing etc.

It has been hugely popular (remember, popular and effective don’t necessarily go hand in hand) and there is a D.A.R.E. program in my hometown. The intentions are good, the people who volunteer are warm, loving and above all, concerned, but even though 97 % of teachers give it a “good” rating, and 93% of parents do the same, studies show that it has no long term effect on those who take the course.

In fact, in the United States, of 718 drug prevention programs, of 41…yes…41 of them had ANY positive impact, after an extensive study looked at them all very closely.

How about this one. A review of some 200 studies recently revealed that students with high self-esteem do not get higher grades, or advance any further in their careers, later, and most important, perhaps, is the discovery that high self-esteem did not lower alcohol use or violence. (In fact, some of the most aggressive and violent people actually have very high self-esteem). One study showed that when college aged kids were close to failing their classes, their grades sank even lower when they were given esteem building praise.

One thing I’m almost always asked, by some of the participants of my seminars and presentations, is how come no one else is teaching or sharing the stuff I am; stuff that they have almost never heard before. My answer is simple. It’s because most people are simply teaching whatever happens to be popular, widely accepted, or has been around for a long time. Unfortunately, a great deal of that is highly inaccurate and false.

If you will examine your life, currently, you will find that many of the things you do, and many of the decisions you make each day, all stem from a belief you have, that you only have, because your parents did. Likewise, they only had this belief because their parents did, and on and on it goes. Sometimes, even when new evidence surfaces, rendering what these beliefs were based on impotent, the belief will survive many generations, simply because no one ever takes the time to question the belief, and ask “Is this really true? And if it is, what is it based on…show me the evidence!”

Today, many men and women still hold on to the belief that children of divorced parents will be “scarred” and “damaged” forever. Because of this, many adults subject children to a far more damaging life, by staying together, and raising their kids in a house where the parents do not love one another, and fight on a frequent basis.

E. Mavis Hetherington, a psychology professor at the University of Virginia, and the author of “For Better or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered” found that the negative long term impact of divorce has been “exaggerated to the point that society has created a self fulfilling prophecy” Because society tells us “If your parents divorced, you will have problems and be scarred. Many children simply live out what they have been programmed to live. Hetherington’s research found that the adults who were children when their parents divorced, while looking back and describing their parents divorce as painful for a short time initially, were, for the most part, very successful in their lives, with many of them having become far more resilient, and better able to handle the ups and downs of their adult lives, because of the divorce.

In short, it’s not the reality of the divorce that causes challenges, as much as it is the expectations we have developed about the effects, based, largely, on mis-information.

I have learned to question everything in life. Anthony Robbins likes to say “Society may predict, but only I determine, my future!” I agree.

© Copyright 2010-Vincent Harris

Creating Mediocrity: Every Kid is NOT a Winner!

One day, not long ago, while my daughter (who is 7) and I were bowling, a guy in the lane next to us said “You ought to let her win a game!” I replied “It ain’t happening today, or ever; when she does beat me, it will be because she won fair and square, and  she will know that she did so on her own ability, and not because someone let her!” He acted as if I was speaking Japanese.

I cringe every time I see some contest where every child who entered gets a blue ribbon, and is told “You are all winners!”  As well intentioned as the purveyors of this philosophy may be, it does little to prepare a child to mature in a healthy and useful manner, or to deal with the world as it really works. In life, there ARE winners; one per “event”, and the rest, are, well…losers. I’m sure Tiger Woods father didn’t say “Tiger, yes you got 4^th place…but that’s okay little Tiger Cub, you are still a WINNER!” No, he likely said “You are a good boy, AND you lost big time, really got your butt whipped, and have a whole lot of work to do; get your clubs and let’s go hit 200 balls!

How rampant is this backbone of Jello “Everyone is a winner” attitude? It saddens me to tell you. Children in Canada are being taught that winning is bad. The Gloucester Dragons soccer league has a new rule; if a team in this league wins by more than 5 points, they lose. I kid you not. Supposedly, this rule is to promote “fairness”! Perhaps, just as the mother Wildebeest that has just watched a Lion viciously rip the throat out of two of her offspring, you, too, have realized that life is NOT fair. Nor is it supposed to be.

One central message I send to my daughter is that life is not fair, and that she should have not have expectations of such. Would I let my daughter play on this soccer team…not a chance.

Love your child, let them know that nothing they can do will make you love them one bit more, and nothing they can do will make you love them one bit less. I don’t need to let my daughter win in the games we play. Because she knows I love her unconditionally, her worth is not tied up in whether she wins or losses. Now, I will tell you, she absolutely hates to lose; not because she feels empty without it, but because she knows the whole point of playing in the first place, is to win. I hate losing too.

To those who would argue “It’s just a game!” I say this: The next time you watch any type of game or competition, consider how many people would care to watch, or play, for that matter, if they chose not to keep score. It would all be rather pointless.

In short, the “everyone is a winner” concept promotes mediocrity and an attitude of “why give my best? I’ll get a ‘ribbon’ anyway…after all; we are all winners…even when our performance sucks!” My most frequent phrase when my daughter needs accurate feedback is “That really sucked, and, I love you!” It is a reminder that no matter the performance, the love is constant. Then, I will explain, how, exactly, it “sucked”, and then provide feedback on how she might improve or do better next time around.

I was fortunate enough to spend a couple months at the Naval Special Warfare Center in Coronado, Ca, and have a handful of friends that spent time with the S.E.A.L. teams. This is one place where you can get familiar with what the mindset of a winner is, really quick like. These guys play to win; they know there are losers in life, and that in their line of work, the loser winds up riddled full of holes. As they say in the teams, “It pays to be a winner!”

 What you will find, however, is that these guys don’t just apply it to warfare…that would be dangerous; they play to win wherever they go, and whatever they are doing. Trust that if they were playing checkers against your 90 year old Grandmother, who was using her Social Security to wager a bet, that you’d better be prepared to help Granny out with groceries next month, cause she’s not going to win.

How did we get here? Why is it that we’ve somehow slipped into an abyss where everyone is supposed to be equal in every imaginable way? I really don’t have a clue. What I do know, however, and see signs of everywhere, is how it is stripping the work ethic and mental toughness out of our young people, coast to coast.

Fact is, people will get the “job” because they are more beautiful, handsome, taller, or from a certain family. Fair? Of course not, but then again, life is not supposed to be; this is how things have worked for centuries-or longer- and how they will work for many more. For those that understand this, they can prepare to work with the world as it is. For those who grow up thinking that “everyone is a winner”, they’ll be saddened-perhaps even clinically depressed, when the gorgeous blonde goofball, or tall dark and handsome idiot, gets the job, even when they weren’t really qualified to have it.

Has my daughter ever beat me in a game? Damn right…and I hate it; however, when she has done so, she feels empowered, because she knows she did it on her own, and has it re-confirmed that she does in fact, have the ability.

As the years pass, I’m sure she’ll beat me more and more, until one day, I’ll be old and feeble, and easily “whipped” as my mind and body start to fail. And when that time comes, if I ever sense that she’s “letting” me win at something, because I’m old, she should expect a swift “tap” of my cane on her shins, as a little reminder, that letting people win can be “painful” for all involved.

© Copyright 2010-Vincent Harris-All Rights Reserved.

Avoiding the “Personal Development Trap”

This article has been a long time coming. Let me preface what is to follow, by saying that I’m a huge advocate of continually developing new skills, and an ever increasing sense of self-awareness and the like. With that being said, though, I’d like to address something that has spread like some monolithic and very hungry amoeba, engulfing any “mind” that happens to get caught in its path. I call it the “personal development trap”.

In her famous book “Thick Face, Black Heart” Chin-Ning Chu writes “A CEO cannot afford the luxury of excessive optimism, because it will lead him to failure-just as an overly optimistic general who becomes careless will underestimate his battlefield foe and lead his troops to their demise. The results can be costly.” Meanwhile, one personal development expert after another, reports that if we can just be “positive” enough, or, if we can put the forces of “The Law of Attraction” to work for us, all will be well, we will have everything we want, and live happily ever after.

I’ve been privileged to interact with CEO’s and upper level management at such companies as Honda, Boeing, and Master Card, to name a few. My experience has taught me that these very successful business people, as a rule, do not do “affirmations”, are not overly “positive” and cheerful, don’t spend time each day with their “goal planner”, and are not waiting until they have “developed” to a higher level before they DO something. I have, however, met countless people who were miserable and unhappy with their very existence, who were doing all of those things. Why were they doing them? Because that’s what they’ve been taught to do; they have been promised that doing these things will bring happiness, wealth and fulfillment. The loop is endless; the more they do them, the more they don’t work. The more they don’t work, the more frustrated they become. The more frustrated they become, the more they do them, convinced, that, they just haven’t done them enough, or hard enough yet.

One very successful man, who will remain unnamed, told me “If people will just stop trying to be something other than what they are, the world is at their fingertips. If you are greedy, then just be the most greedy person you know; acquire everything you can, so you can put it to good use for society. If you are envious or jealous of the success of others, don’t waste years trying to feel differently (and you probably never would anyway), use those feelings to fuel your competitive nature and blast you to levels of accomplishment than you could have otherwise achieved.” It rings true with the saying “Success is the sweetest revenge”.

Here’s something else you should know; a great many of the “bouncy” and “sprightly” people you know, lie about how happy and positive they are. This includes, mind you, many of the world’s most famous “positive” speakers. I have met a few who spend most of their “off stage” time, angry and semi-depressed.

Achievement has no set “rules”; I can point out, to you, and you could just as easily find them for yourself, people who have achieved great things in life, and did so while being what you would call “negative”, “lazy” and many other things that many would consider “dark”.

If you are a naturally “positive” person, then you know, as well as I do, that you don’t have to try to be positive…it just flows. Likewise, those who are naturally pessimistic don’t have to try to be pessimistic. I’ve watched one person after another burn up untold amounts of energy, trying to become a “positive” person, and fail miserably. Meanwhile, I’ve watched others embrace what and who they were, and then find a way to channel that nature and personality into achieving great things.

By the way, before you jump on the “Yeah, but even though they achieve great things, they don’t enjoy it, because they aren’t happy!” bandwagon, realize that this is simply not the case, in all situations. Again, I’ve met many “negative” people who experienced life in a far more enjoyable manner than the person who was struggling each day to be “positive” while they were secretly insecure on the inside.

I show people all of the time, how they can use their physiology, or how they can shift their body language, to quickly and easily shift their mood, or their state of mind and body. This is useful, and has a wide area of application is business and personal life alike. It’s a great skill to have. Just remember, though, people all over the world, will achieve great things this year without knowing how to do this.

Personally, I prefer to be around people who are in a “good” mood most of the time. Quite frankly, though, I avoid people who are ALWAYS chipper, bubbly, and overly positive and enthusiastic like the plague. They irritate me. I like to argue from time to time, I find my life dull unless I can get “pissed off” every now and then. And to have everyone “for” me takes the wind out of my sails quicker than anything; I literally thrive on opposition. No, it’s unlikely that you’ll find me sitting cross-legged engaged in deep “spiritual meditation”, striving to be “one with everything” My idea of “one with everything” is a cheeseburger. I have a wonderful set of tools and skills I use to disengage from unhealthy levels of “stressing” and teach those skills to others, but a world without friction is very scary to me.

What is the moral of this story? You don’t need to “develop” or “evolve”, or go to a $10,000 retreat where you can cook to death in a sweat lodge, before you can do and achieve great things. Embrace who you are, and how you are, and simply find a way to use what is already there to get the things you want to experience in life done.

By the way, if the desire of your unconscious, conscious, or both, has been to finally get everyone to like you, I would urge you to let go of that as soon as possible. Here’s the rub: the more you accomplish, and the more successful you are, the more people you will have who resent you, talk behind you r back, and dislike you. So, if you can’t deal with that, it’s much easier to just blend in and do something simple and routine, and, of course, there is nothing wrong with that; many people are simply happier this way…so let them alone, the world needs us all.

As always, I hope you have found something useful in this article, and can think from a fresh perspective about how much “work” you really need to do on yourself.

One last thing, when it comes to personal relationships, what I’ve written about becomes paramount to the outcome of the relationship. You don’t change other people, and, as a rule, people don’t change, at least in terms of their personality. So, you get what you get, and that’s what you’ve got, and what you will have from there on out.

© Copyright 2010-Vincent Harris-All Rights Reserved.

Rude Mood: Why Some People Make a “Bad” Mood a Bigger Deal than Others

Ever known someone who was very “moody”? We all have, haven’t we? Yet, maybe you’ve noticed the tendency of some people, though, to allow their moods to take more control of their lives than others.

 Before we look too closely at this, however, it might be a good idea for me to examine the concept of “mood” more closely. Ones mood and their self-esteem are linked together in a very important way; the lower someone’s self-esteem, the more demonstrative a “bad” mood will become.
For the man or woman who has a solid sense of self, and who feels that their “worth” as a human being is high, the “bad” mood is little more than that…a temporary feeling that, given enough time, will soon pass and be forgotten.

 To the person who does not feel they have much value, and have therefore rated their self “worth” very low, a “bad” mood is experienced, not as temporary, but as the “reality” of their life overall. When they are sad, they cast the feeling of sadness backwards and forwards, coloring their entire life with this feeling. When they later find they are in a mood of “frustration”, they quickly let go and forget about the sadness they previously thought to be permanent, and are now seeing life through the “lens” of frustration.
I can get “pissed off” with the best of them, and do, but my “pissed off” is no longer viewed as anything more –by me-than a fleeting feeling that will just as quickly shift to something else, and just knowing this, somehow takes the edge off of being “pissed off” much more quickly.
Remember, self-esteem is not to be confused with confidence. Confidence is how in control and effective a person feels in a specific context. Self-esteem is how much a person likes themselves.
I don’t know a thing about flying airplanes; put me in the pilot seat of a 747, and my confidence drops immediately. Put someone with a phobia of heights or snakes in front of me, and my confidence soars; I know exactly what to do, and have a rich history of having done so. The one constant, for me, however, at this stage of my life, is that my sense of worth is high in both situations. I realize that only an idiot would have confidence in flying a plane when they have never done it before. Therefore, I would embrace my waning confidence as quite natural.
Now, where self-esteem plays a big part, is when someone is thinking of doing something new. Those with a high self-esteem are far more likely to try new things, because they feel more comfortable in new situations, and don’t worry about “looking stupid” (as we all do when doing something we’ve never done before-like skiing). If I chose to take flying lessons, I would not have my sense of worth all tied up in how well I was doing with my lessons.
So, as we come full circle, talking about “mood” once again, realize that moods change frequently for virtually everyone. Sometimes, though, you wouldn’t know it, because their level of self-esteem is high enough that they literally go with the flow, and don’t identify too strongly with any of the moods they might find themselves experiencing during the day.
Want a quick way of gauging the self-esteem of others? Watch to see how they treat themselves and others. The classic poor self -esteem sign is someone who is always putting themselves down, but goes out of their way to be “nice” to others. What we see, in this case, is someone who is “nice” simply because they desperately crave the approval of others, and “suck up” to everyone, trying in vain to keep everyone happy.

Then of course, there is the person who appears to treat themselves well, but who treats those who they think are “beneath” them, like a janitor or fast food waiter, for example, like some low life that should be honored to look at them. Their apparent “good” treatment of themselves is not a sign of high self-esteem; it is the sign of a large ego.
Remember this: A person cannot have a large ego and high self-esteem; they can have a large ego and low self esteem, and this would be called “arrogance”. The inverse of this would be the person with a low self esteem and a small ego…this is someone who is the proverbial doormat for others, and who never stands up for themselves. “Balance” is achieved, in this area, only when the ego deflates a bit, and self-esteem increases. As you might imagine, this does not usually happen overnight.
There is a lot to glean from this short article. Read it again in a few days, and then again a few days later. Let the pieces of the puzzle fall into place and notice how you start to become more aware of not only your own behavior, but that of others as well.
©Copyright 2010-Vincent Harris-All Rights Reserved.